SHAKESPEAREAN FOLLIES written by Diana Laulainen & Jodi Werner Cast ROMEO JULIET HAMLET PORTIA The Courtiers: Ladies in Waiting: Rosenkrantz Rosalind (some will Laertes Olivia double as Petruchio Miranda the Weird Antonio Ophelia Sisters) Sebastian Katherine ------------------------------------------------------------------- >From blackout, blue/purple lights come up on the left satellite stage. Thunder and lightning. There sits a large pot slightly raised which should be engulfed in flames with thick smoke pouring out of the pot. (Dry ice). About it are the three wierd sisters. WEIRD SISTER # 1: Double, double, toil and trouble Fire burn and cauldron bubble. WEIRD SISTER # 2: Fillet of fenny snake In the cauldron boil and bake; Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tounge of dog, WEIRD SISTER # 3: Adder's fork, and blind worm's sting, Lizard's leg and howlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble Fire burn and cauldron bubble THREE SISTERS: Double, double toil and trouble Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Large crack of thunder accompanied by lightning and the lights go out of the three sisters who freeze their position. Single light comes up on right satellite stage. Here stands Romeo looking up at the balcony where Juliet is. They are obviously in the midst of a fight. JULIET: Well, tis just like a Montague that ye been acting! ROMEO: Oh, so you hath been reduced to name calling, have ye? Well, I'll have none of it! JULIET: I do not have to listen to thy useless prattle. Be off with you. ROMEO: Tis a free stage, I'll not be dismissed like a common servant. THE LAST DUET (extreme emphasis should be placed on those words that are in bold print with sappy love type singing on the remaining words... at some point Juliet should probably come down from the balcony.) Juliet You creep into my heart And make my heart burn Romeo You sneak into my mind And make my head ache Both There are things that I long to tell you Juliet You're such a bore Romeo You snore Both Look, it's time to face the music Romeo Bye, Bye Juliet Don't slam the door And I don't want Romeo I don't want Juliet I don't want Romeo I don't want Both No, I don't want your flowers anymore This is the last duet Last chance you're gonna get No more ha harmony For you and me This is the final song And when the music's through This is the last duet I'll ever do with you Romeo You're not the one that I want Ooh, ooh ooh Tood-le-oo (Honey) Juliet Don't go breaking your back Don't call me, I'll call you Both Back together, reunited Should feel so good They say so I hope there's no hard feelings Romeo Don't go away mad Juliet Just go away {Juliet exits the stage as Hamlet enters followed by his retinue} ROMEO: {yelling after Juliet} If music be the food of love, play on; give me excess of it, that the appetite may sicken and so die. HAMLET:What ails thee, good Romeo? Be there trouble with fairJuliet? ROMEO: Silence! Speak not that name to me. That harlot knows not the name of love. She is a fiend sent to plague my very being. PETRUCHIO: {To Rosencrantz} If there be trouble in paradise, then the fair Juliet is fair game. ROZENCRANTZ: Aye, and I'll be getting me hands on her first. Petruchio and Rozencrantz give one another the high five Romeo glares at them HAMLET: Ah, Methinks that something is rotten in the state of Missouri. Tell me good fellow, what hast happened to spoil thy love affair? ROMEO: Tis funny, I cannot recall what event touched off the quarrel. We were standing on yonder balcony gazing upon the storm and twas when it cleared that we were at each others' throats. Next line is delivered in an aside to the audience HAMLET: (aside) The weird sisters have done well this day. Their works have caused strife between Romeo and Juliet as they said it would. Now the fair Juliet shall be mine. (To Romeo) Hard luck old fellow, but I must say it is probably for the better. As Romeo is about to answer Juliet enters flocked by her ladies in waiting.... Choreographed battle between the men and women to the song WIPE OUT (I would find Leasa Jindra to do this or Barri Kalmans would probably do this one song for you) When the song ends, the women exit delivering parting blows to the men. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- SEBASTIAN: Women. Who be needing them anyway? Ye cannot live with them and ye are forbidden to shoot them. HAMLET: Aye Romeo and if I were a betting man I would say there were at least ten reasons why ye should leave Juliet. ROMEO: If that be true, then why is it I cannot think of one? HAMLET nods to ANTONIO ANTONIO: {reaching towards Laertes} May I have the envelope please? Laertes hands him an envelope which is ceremoniously opened ANTONIO: And now, from our home office in Pukwana, Iowa (ANTONIO and LAERTES switch off reading the list) {drum roll} # 10: The fair Juliet tis jail bait. " " # 9: Her mother doth dress her funny. " " # 8: The maiden hath suicidal tendencies. " " # 7: Tis likely that ye will get hurt balcony climbing. " " # 6: For reasons unbeknownst to any man, when she doth go to the powder room, it seems necessary for her to go with another. " " # 5: Equally mysterious, the maid flies into a rage if she doth find the toilet seat in an upright position. " " # 4: Tis obvious, she be a Capulet. " " # 3: She's always mussing with her hair " " # 2: Tis always that time of the month. And the number one reason, why ye should be dumping JULIET.... drum roll....lead in o the next song... She just isn't a California Girl. Courtiers should be magically transformed into beach bums...(y'know sunglasses, beach balls, visors, and maybe a Hawaiin shirt or two...) CALIFORNIA GIRLS (the following is as the Beach Boys did it, however if you so desire...David Lee Roth offers another style to consider) HAMLET: Well East coast girls are hip I really dig those styles those wear ROMEO: And the southern girls with the way they talk They knock me out when I'm down there PETRUCHIO & The midwest farmer's daughters ROSENCRANTZ really make you feel all right LAERTES: And the Northern girls with the way they kiss ANTONIO & SEBATSIAN: They keep their boyfriends warm at night ALL: I wish they all could be California girls I wish they all could be California girls I wish they all could be California girls ANTONIO: The west coast has the sunshine and the girls all get so tan ROSENCRANTZ: I Dig a French bikini on the wild island dolls by a palm tree in the sand HAMLET: I been all around this great big world and I've seen all kinds of girls ROMEO: Ya but I couldn't wait to get back in the states back to the cutest girls in the world ALL: I wish they all could be California girls I wish they all could be California girls (etcetra) Men exit as the women enter from another direction PORTIA: Juliet, What tis the issue twixt ye and good Romeo? JULIET: Why, he be acting just like a man. {All the Ladies nod in obvious recognition of the problem} KATHERINE: What's this? Hath Juliet released from her grasp {to Rosalind} the most eligible bachelor of the realm? ROSALIND: Well, ye will not have him. I hath first dibs. OLIVIA: Why Juliet. Can ye not forgive him.. . Tis only unfortunate fate what hath made Romeo of the male persuasion. OPHELIA: I say ye are better to be rid of him. Men be nothing but trouble...and they only hath but one thing on their mind anyway. KATHERINE Sex! & OLIVIA: Sports? (together) {The two look at one another incredulously} MIRANDA: Tis a shame that ye two cannot work things out...T'was such a romantic love that ye shared. PORTIA: So what do ye think Juliet... Is reconciliation something ye want to pursue? JULIET: Nay... Methinks that fair Romeo tis a drag. (Agreement from Katherine and Rosalind) GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN (Alternatively Aretha Franklin's RESPECT) JULIET I hung up in the morning light my mother said when you gonna live your life right Oh mamma dear, we're not the fortunate ones And girls they wanna have fun Oh girls just wanna have fun PORTIA The phone rings in the middle of the night Her father yells what you gonna do with your life JULIET Oh daddy dear you're still number one ALL But girls they wanna have fun (with Oh girls just wanna have that's all they really want Portia It's not fun & Juliet What in the world can they have done alternating Oh girls they wanna have fun the lead) Oh girls just wanna have Girls they wanna wanna have fun girls wanna have JULIET Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world I want be the one to walk in the sun ALL Oh girls they wanna have fun (same Oh girls just wanna have that's all they really want as It's not fun above) What in the world can they have done Oh girls they wanna have fun Oh girls just wanna have Girls they wanna wanna have fun girls wanna have They just wanna They just wanna.... {The song continues...end where you wish} Men enter Rosenkrantz & Petruchio flock to Juliet Katherine & Rosalind flock to Romeo Miranda & Antonio are an item Olivia & Laertes are an item Ophelia & Sebastian are an item Portia & Hamlet are thus also thrown together although there is obvious hostility between the two (They are at center stage) What is said in each sub group cannot be heard by the others PORTIA: Well Hamlet, if I did not know better I would say that ye were at the bottom of this strife between Romeo and Juliet. HAMLET: What makes ye think that I am not? PORTIA: Then ye admit it? HAMLET: Nay, I admit to naught save that I love the fair Juliet. Perchance she hath cast her eye upon I and for this reason hath done away with Romeo. PORTIA: Ha! Juliet would not take up with the likes of ye. Why twas only last week that ye bid Ophelia to get herself to a nunnery. Laertes and Olivia approach Portia and Hamlet as the focus shifts to Romeo and his admirers ROMEO: What sayeth Juliet about our quarrel? KATHERINE: Tis a strange question ye ask when I am yours for the taking. ROMEO: {Looks quizzically to Katherine and turns to Rosalind much to Katherine's dismay} Rosalind? Hath ye heard anything? ROSALIND: She doth noth speak of ye anymore. She appears to have a new love upon her mind. ROMEO: A new love? ROSALIND: Aye... noble Rosenkrantz ... Romeo and Katherine both are shocked by the "revelation" ROMEO: Rosenkrantz? ROSALIND: Twas a shock to us all, but she seems sincere. I see I hath upset ye... but Romeo she tis not worthy of thy glorious love. ROMEO: Aye, that she is not...But ye are a fair looking maid. {Puts his arm around her in such a fashion so as Juliet cannot help but notice.} Focus shift to Juliet and her suitors JULIET: Will ye look at that. Why the scent of my perfume hath not left him and he hath chosen another. PETRUCHIO: {nuzzling her ear} Do not bother yourself with the likes of a Montague. Why ye can have me. JULIET: {shaking him off} And what makes ye think I would have ye? (Rosenkrantz does a little victory dance) Rosenkrantz, hath good Romeo spoken of me? ROSENKRANTZ: Aye, he said ye were easy. Juliet hauls off and slaps Rosenkrantz Petruchio does a little victory dance Juliet rushes to Portia Focus shifts to Romeo's group ROMEO: What's this.. perhaps ye were mistaken.. That was no love pat. Methinks perhaps I will speak with Juliet. moves to Juliet thunder cracks and lightning occurs as in the beginning with the witches Romeo and Juliet attempt to speak with one another and fail Romeo draws Hamlet aside Juliet speaks with Portia JULIET: Portia, It appeared that Romeo would speak with me PORTIA: If that be what ye wish, why did ye not speak to him? JULIET: Something kept me from it though I know not what. PORTIA: Something kept ye from it... methinks that would be Hamlet. JULIET: Hamlet? What mean ye? PORTIA: Methinks perhaps that the prince hath called upon the weird sisters. JULIET: Why is it that he cannot be content in his own play. First he hath crashed our love story and now tis found that he hath been in Macbeth? PORTIA: Why tis becuase his own play tis so gloomy. (lowers her voice as if she is telling some juicy gossip) I hear that the end of his play finds all who are in it dead. JULIET: Well tis none of our affair. How can we be rid of him? (Portia looks around and spies a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare which has been sitting on the stage all along..Flipping through she reads intently) PORTIA: Juliet....it sayeth here that if you and young Romeo do pledge your undying love that you must die in one another's arms. JULIET: Die? (momentary break) Oh, Romeo....wherefore art thou Romeo?? (Romeo moves over to Juliet and is followed by Hamlet) Methink perchance loving you would be detrimental to mine health. ROMEO: What mean you? HAMLET: The fair Juliet refers Act V, Scene III of your play. Should you chose to pursue a romance with this maid it will be the death of you. ROMEO: Oh. I see. (Everyone stops and thinks long and hard?Jeopardy think music.) JULIET: Well, Prince Hamlet, ye are a fine looking gentlemandespite the fact that your mother hath married your uncle. HAMLET: And you fair Juliet are worthy of my love despite your suicidal tendencies. The two rush to one another as Romeo and Portia pair up and the remainder of the cast does as well. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT HAMLET I got chills they're multiplying And I'm losing control Cause the power your supplying It's electrifying JULIET You better shape up Cause I need a man And my heart is set on you You better shape up You better understand To my heart I must be true HAMLET Nothing left nothing left for me to do HAMLET AND JULIET with help from everyone else {You'll need to work on getting the background parts here} You're the one the want (ooo..ooo..ooo.) Honey the one that I want (ooo.ooo..ooo...) Honey the one that I want (ooo...ooo...ooo..) The one I need Oh yes indeed JULIET If you're feeling affection Your too shy to demand Meditate my direction Feel your way HAMLET I better shape up Cause you need a man JULIET I need a man Who can keep me satisfied HAMLET I better shape up If I am going to prove JULIET You better prove that my baby's justified HAMLET Are you sure JULIET Yes I'm sure deep down inside HAMLET AND JULIET with help from everyone else (You might wanna consider having another couple sing the lead) You're the one the want (ooo..ooo..ooo.) Honey the one that I want (ooo.ooo..ooo...) Honey the one that I want (ooo...ooo...ooo..) The one I need Oh yes indeed You're the one the want (ooo..ooo..ooo.) Honey the one that I want (ooo.ooo..ooo...) Honey the one that I want (ooo...ooo...ooo..) The one I need Oh yes indeed (etcetra) CURTAIN CALL WE GO TOGETHER (I am assuming that Don is coordinating the music and can figure out the shoo bops and chang changs that are in this song) We go together like ram (etcetra) Remember forever like shoo bop (etcetra) Chang chang changidy chang choo bop That's the way it should be Wah ooo Yah We're one of a kind Like dip dip dip dip do wa da dobee do Are names are signed A booggedy boogedy (etcetra) Chang chang changidy chang choo bop We'll always be like one Wah wah wah waaaah When we go out at night And stars are shining bright Up in the skies above Or at the high school dance where you can find romance maybe it might be lah ah ah ah ahve. [Lots gibberish (figure it out)] We're for each other like (etcetra) Just like my brother Shanan (etcetra) We'll always be together Wa ooh, yah We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together