NIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE Loosely (very loosely) based on the legend of CAMELOT Text by Diana Laulainen, Missy Hill, Nichol Trump, Fredd Zelley and Carolynne Shierholz Music by Yael Kats CHARACTERS Arthur: king, student in love with Ginny Ginny: alias Guenivere, lusts after everyone Lance: knight, friend of Arthur, in love with self Mordred: general troublemaker. STUDENT LIES editor CHORUS: Various knights and damsels in distress Bambi: your basic air head Bitsy: damsel Chantel: damsel Heather: damsel Blanche: damsel, reminds one of the girl next door Daves # 1-5: A DIVERSE group of guys. ************ (Cast is found standing motionless on stage. Arthur breaks from his position to address the audience) Arthur: Well, here I stand on the edge of my acting debut. The stage directions say, and I quote, that I am a confused young king in the midst of my college career. Now what I don't get is why I'm going to school if I'm a king? It doesn't say here (waves script around) (Reads) Now, it also says I am desperately in love with my girlfriend Ginny (looks around the stage) Now, THIS must be Ginny. (Walks to another part of the stage where she stands. Walks around her in awe.) I hope things are going well with our relationship...if you know what I mean... (Gives the audience a knowing sort of look and perhaps a wink. Points somewhere across the stage) That guy over there is my roommate, Dave. Hey Dave... KNIGHTS: What? ARTHUR: He's a knight with DIVERSE interests. (Looks at audience) *...well, aren't all college students knights? HEATHER: (INTERJECTION--breaking momntarily from her motionless state)"Wait, does that make this a Night School? (Everyone else, except Arthur GROANS...resumes motionless stance) ARTHUR: Wait! It gets better. (Flips through script) It turns out all of my friends are knights or damsels in distress with DIVERSE interests. Hmmmmmm...It appears that I've formed a student organization to promote chivalry and honor. Honor? (Mordred breaks freeze and begins to hum then sing GOD SAVE THE KING) Me and my DIVERSE group of knights travel around the campus on skateboards fighting dragons, the tuition hikes, SAGA, and generally promoting the common good. (Cast breaks out of their singing to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme song) It's a story of a school called Wash U (ARTHUR) That had problems with annonymity Everyone thought of the state by Oregon or Washington D C It's a story of a king named Arthur (GINNY) who was trying hard to change this status quo he had five knights who were working with him to make the school's fame grow til the one day when a hero came and joined them and though his ego was something quite absurd (cast) he would help to change the situation and make dear old Washington a household word (knights) a household word (damsels) a household word and make dear old Washington a household word ARTHUR: So, Ginny. What do you think of my idea to make Washington University a household word? DAVE # 4: (Joe Extra-curricular Activities speaks from the audience, where he is hanging up flyers...) You mean like toilet? ARTHUR: No.. no.. no.. BAMBI: Isn't that two words? GINNY: (in an obviously false flattering tone) It's a great idea. Someone should have thought of it sooner. I'd love to stay and talk to you about it, but I promised Dave I'd help him with his laundry. He's out of clean underwear.... (amidst anticipation from all Daves, Ginny walks off with Dave # 2) ARTHUR: (Turning to Dave # 3) Say, Dave... What do you think of the idea? DAVE # 3: (ENGINERD fiddling with his calculator responds by barely looking up from the calculator) Well, technically speaking, the probability of the average U.S. citizen locating Washington University in St. Louis as opposed to Washington D.C. ..that is the District of Columbia.. or is about the same as....(insert a ridiculously obscure math calcuation...) MORDRED: I think it's a stupid idea. BLANCHE: But, we should at least try. (Knights and damsels murmur in agreement) MORDRED: (scowls) Oh please... do try, do try, won't you. ARTHUR: First! I believe we need to find ourselves a round table. Without one it will be impossible for our committee to meet. Hmm... Where to find a round table. (Looks around, spots Dave # 4 who has been posting flyers since the play began....and now joins the crowd on stage) Hey Dave. (Other Daves react) You wouldn't know where we could find ourselves a round table would you? DAVE # 4: No, but I know where there's a round bulletin board... MORDRED: (sarcastically) Now, that's an idea! ARTHUR: No, I think it has to be a table... Hmm. Where to find a round table... (CAST sings to the tune of SLINKY as Arthur begins searching the stage for a table. He should exit as the song ends) We need a place (Arthur) To serve as base For holding our meetings of knights (Blanche) A thing should be found That can be moved around (Arthur) I know what we need: a table! (Cast) A table, a table A circular one would be great! A table, a table That's what we'll find--a table. ARTHUR: I'm off on my quest. I'll find us...(kazoo fanfare) a table! MORDRED: Oh, yippie... HEATHER: Ginny's been gone for a while. BAMBI: Dave must have had an awful lot of laundry.... DAVE # 1: (An obvious B-schooler, looks knowingly at the other Daves) They must have opted for the super deluxe dry cycle. (Dave's snicker) BAMBI: Have you noticed what a nice person Ginny is? She is always helping some guy with his laundry. Sometimes she even helps two guys in one night. (Rest of the cast shake their heads in disbelief) DAVE # 1: Bambi, let me try and explain this to you....no I think maybe it would be better if I showed you... Does anybody have six quarters? (Dave #5--Mr. Jocko-- hands him some money, and as Dave #1 and Bambi walk off she says...) BAMBI: But don't you only need 5....(for a load etc.) DAVE #1: Now you're getting it.... DAVE # 5: DING (as he makes a light bulb motion above his head) BLANCHE: Even Bambi's getting it...so to speak... How can Arthur be so blind? Cast sings to the tune of Guenevere Guenevere Guenevere Oh, they'll find Guenevere with some laundry to be done comes the cheating of someone Poor Arthur's in a rut He can't see she's a slut When she sees a dirty shirt She turns into such a flirt When she grabs her box of Tide She lets all her morals slide But if Arthur finds her out He will drop her, don't you doubt BITSY: Arthur is going to find out about Ginny one of these days. MORDRED: (To audience) Sooner than they think (wicked grin as he points at his camera as he slips off stage) HEATHER: I'm not sure she cares.. (ENTER LANCE, scrutinizing a campus map, carrying a gym bag, wearing sweats...the image of perfection) CHANTEL: Will you look at what just walked in. BLANCHE: Not bad... BITSY: Fresh meat for Ginny by the looks of it. HEATHER: Not if we get to him first! LANCE: Can someone tell me where the gym is? (Heather, Bitsy, Blanche and Chantel run to assist Lance.) ALL Damsels: My name is (insert name) and the gym ... let me ... take you there...etc... ad lib LANCE: (backing up a step or two) My name is Lance... EVERYONE: LANCE? DAVE #3: Oh, that's weird. LANCE: Well, my middle name is Dave. C'est Moi Washington, Washington From far away I heard your call Washington, Washington And here I am to impress all I know in my soul that this school needs a change And that's what I'm here to arrange There's a gap to be filled by students here at Washington You need many more fantastic men like me Grade point average of 4 point O A physique that I'm proud to show Truly god-like in many ways, I'm sure you'll see To everyone that I meet I'm known as number one I'm almost too somply wonderful to bear Yes, I am the kind you've needed to find A man extraordinaire C'est Moi, c'est moi, it's easy to see That I am flawlessly great I'll turn this school around in a flash Thank God I'm not to late I've never strayed from the top of the heap I'm simply the best by far I'm not a braggart, boaster, or creep it's just the way things are C'est Moi, C'est Moi, you're lucky I'm here A miracle or two might be fun And here I stand, so truly the best The symbol of what's above all the rest To rescue your Washington C'est moi! DAVE #5: Hey Lance, why don't you put your muscles where your mouth is. I'm the captain of the football team. We're currently O and 6 and we haven't even scored a touchdown yet this year. There's a game tonight against SLU. Suit up and be on the field by 6. If you can lead us to a victory then I'll believe in your miracles....Come on gang. (All walk off except Lance who looks confident. Enter Arthur) LANCE: (Yells after crowd) I still don't know where the gymnasium is... ARTHUR: Now there's a place I haven't checked. Greetings. I'm King Arthur and you are? LANCE: Lancelot. I'm a transfer student from Harvard. ARTHUR: (Murmurs and gets a gleam to his eye...) Harvard, Hmm. Say Lance, how would you like to be a part of my knights? LANCE: (backing away from Arthur) Excuse me? ARTHUR: No, no, no. Knights with a "k". We're fighting to make Washington University a household word. LANCE: You mean like toilet? (pronounced twa-let) ARTHUR: NO! NO! NO! Like Harvard. LANCE: That's Hahvaard. ARTHUR: Ah, right, well anyway would you like to join us? LANCE: Well, all right. But do you know where the gymnasium is? ARTHUR: Of course. C'mon I'll show you. I was going check there for a round table anyway. LANCE: (As the two walk off together, obviously buddies) Round table? ************ (ENTER DAMSELS...They commence to "watch" and cheer for a "Football game which is being played somewhere out in the audience. i.e. They all watch action in unison... cheer for Arthur, DAVE, and Lancelot who scores the winning touchdown. Mordred stands by unenthused with his camera, giving an occasional "Oh, rah." Dance and cheer to the song Lets Hear it For the Boy) ************ (Enter LANCE on the shoulders of Arthur and Dave #5) (Ginny runs with the others to congratulate Arthur and makes "moves" towards Lance who is behind Arthur) DAVE # 2: Hey you guys! That was AWESOME. Lance, You're a regular one man team...(turns to arthur and Dave # 5) The rest of you guys shouldn't have even bothered to suit up. HEATHER: I can't believe we actually won! DAVE # 3: Yes, it was inded a true miracle. The odds of us scoring even one touchdown were.... GINNY: (interupts) I'm so proud of you...(pause, looks at Lance)...all. ARHTUR: Lance is the hero, he scored 10 of our 11 touchdowns. MORDRED: And you scored the other one. That's our king. ARTHUR: (ignoring Mrodred)By the way, Lance, this is my girlfriend Ginny. GINNY: I'm pleased to meet you, Lance. You're certainly a hero. (Lance moves to Ginny, takes her hand and kisses it while bowing slightly) LANCE: The pleasure is mine. Arthur, I must compliment you on your taste. (Lance and Ginny must be talking to each other through their body language and facial expressions. Arthur is oblivious to the attraction.) GINNY: Lance! Your uniform! Its so dirty and stained. I think we should get it thrown into a washer right away. (Guys look startled/jealous. Girls look at each other knowingly. Arthur and Lance don't get it.) BAMBI:Oh, I get it! (Cast around her shushes her, Arthur briefly gives her a puzzled look while Dave #2 congratulates Dave #1) ARTHUR: (Turning to Ginny)Not now Ginny. Right now I need to send Lance on a quest to find us a round table so that I can present my astounding ideas on making Washington a household word. DAVE #4: You mean like... ARTHUR: Harvard. BAMBI: Now that's one word. LANCE: I feel ever so privileged to be charged with this noble endeavor. I shall commence right away to find the best possible table on this campus. (General roar of approval and mass exit...Ginny remains) ARTHUR: (As he leaves the stage with the crowd) Ginny... are you coming? GINNY: No, I think I left my laundry detergent in Dave's room. I'll just run and get it. (When the crowd has left) ARGH! Arthur makes me so mad! He sends the best looking guy I know off on a wild goose chase... I guess I'll have to do my own laundry... how dull... (ENTER LANCE who has obviously just eluded the crowd.) LANCE: You wouldn't happen to know where Urbauer Hall is? (waves his campus map) They told me to check there. I thought maybe you could help me... (casts a fond look at Ginny who is beside herself with Ecstasy) GINNY: Shouldn't we wash that jersey of yours first? LANCE: Well... I guess it would help to make me even better looking. (Ginny is carried off by Lance... Enter Mordred who not-so-sneakily follows them off stage toting a camera, with a gleam in his eye) MORDRED: Two's company.. Three is... journalism BLACK OUT (Enter entire cast except Mordred, Lance is dragging in a miniature round table--barely a table at all or perhaps a doll's table) ARTHUR: You mean this is the best one you could find? LANCE: It's the only round table on the entire campus. ARTHUR: It just won't do. This is awful. We can't possibly hold a meeting around THAT. HEATHER: Isn't it the thought that counts? GINNY: I think Lance has done a wonderful job. MORDRED: Well, well, well. Isn't that special. Defending her lover to her boyfriend. (EVERYONE GASPS AND STARES AT MORDRED) ARTHUR: Just the type of accusation I'd expect from the editor of STUDENT LIES.. (Mordred walks nonchalantly over to Arthur pulling out several big 12x12 black and white glossies of Ginny and her Daves.) (As each picture is shown one of the Dave's reacts guiltily) MORDRED: Here's Ginny with Dave, and Dave, and Dave, and Dave, and Dave, AND---- Lance! (TOTAL SILENCE) GINNY: I think I have some laundry to do...(as she edges away) ARTHUR: I think you've done quite enough laundry. BAMBI: But, if she's out of clean underwear.... DAVE # 3: Oh, shut up! ARTHUR: Lance! How could you? You're a Harvard man....How can I make my proposal under these conditions? (SILENCE) BLANCE: C'mon Arthur... Let's go work on a new plan of action. Who wants to be like Harvard anyway? (Glances disgustingly at Lance) (ARTHUR and BLANCHE moves as if to leave, join cast to sing finale in the back) Finale sung by all to the tune of CAMELOT It's true... It's true... The chancellor's made it clear The college must be perfect through and through The school was made a distant time ago here To educate and let us have some fun Too bad there's not a limit to the work here At Washington It may not be the Ivy League or Hopkins But nonetheless we think it's number one We never study longer than we have to At Washington Washington Washington I know it sounds a bit bizarre But at Washington Washington That's how conditions are And grades may never fall til after midterm By June the awful tests must disappear In short there's simply not a more congenial spot For happily ever aftering than here at Washington